every girl needs a greek chorus

a blog about hope


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Lousy Housekeeper (sorry)

How did this get here? A Fly Girl cap, a booklight, a headless antique, a bag of Christmas tags, a roll of tape

How did this get here?
Looks like a page from the children’s game book “I Spy”.  And no, I didn’t arrange it for this photo!

Anybody know how my house gets to be such a mess?  It’s only January, and it needs spring cleaning already.  Only the BFF and I live here, although she sheds enough hair to spin into a ladder for Rapunzel.  I cleaned up for Thanksgiving, and it was a mess a week later.  I cleaned up for Christmas, and it was a mess by New Year’s Eve.   Despite vacuuming thoroughly, clouds of dog hair wrapped themselves around the legs of my dining room chairs within hours.

I’m not talking about cobwebs in the ceiling or the grease on the kitchen exhaust fan.  They will be there until I drag out the 18’ ladder to change one of my track lights.  I’m talking about the ordinary clutter that seems to multiply like rabbits.  I’m talking about the stray stick-on bow that ended up under the sofa on Christmas morning and made itself known on New Year’s Eve.  The ornament hook that wandered into my bathroom.

Does this stuff have legs?  Does it party in the middle of the night and drop wherever it passes out like a frat boy?

Why is there a clean dessert plate under my coffee table?  Oh, I know that one!  The BFF was licking the remnants of Cheesecake Factory Lemon Meringue Cheesecake and must have shoved it there.  Thank goodness she’d already cleaned it!

Why is there a box of light bulbs sitting in a corner of my bedroom?  It’s been a mystery for at least six months now, because none of the bulbs fits any of the fixtures in my bedroom or bathroom.

The worst room is my walk-in closet, which ceased to be “walk in” about three months ago after I lost My Mother’s birthday present and threw everything on the floor in my frantic search.  I blame it on being short.  I can pull storage boxes off the shelves, but I need a step-stool to put them back.

So, I just don’t put them back, and then they’re all on the floor, and I can’t walk in my walk-in closet.  I kind of lean over the clutter and stretch my arms toward the rack in the back.  This works for taking the clothes off the rack, but it’s impossible to reach far enough toward the rack to rehang the clothes.  Consequently, my clean clothes are hanging in the laundry room.

There’s a place for everything in that closet, but nothing is in its place except my shoes and handbags.  I love them almost as much as I love my BFF, and, even when you factor in the cost of her two emergency exploratory surgeries, I have more money invested in leather goods than I do in her.  My pricey Italian heels would surely snap off if I stepped on them under that mess on the floor.  My handbags, which come with their own dust bags, have a place of honor on a shelf.  Of course, most of the dust bags are on the floor, but the pricey leather goods rest securely five feet above the fray (conveniently at my eye level).

I have always been a slob.  My Mother once gave me a magnet that said, “Dull women have immaculate homes.”  I was never certain how to take that from the Queen of Tidiness.  I’ll never forget the Veterinarian saying to me in the early days of our marriage, “Don’t you think that it needs to be swept in here?”

“Don’t you know that the vacuum cleaner is in the closet?” I promptly replied, without a hint of sarcasm.  “It takes two people to make this mess.  We both go to school full-time.  Why should only one person be responsible for cleaning?”  He wisely never mentioned it again.  In fact, we used to joke that we had to have a dinner party once a month just so we’d get the house clean.

Eventually, in 1986, I hired a young dancer to clean.  She wanted to earn money to spend the summer taking classes in NYC, so she asked me what I thought of paying $25 to clean a house.

“I think I’ll be your first customer,” I replied, “that’s what I think.”

Of course, I would clean the house before she came to clean, because I didn’t want her to see how dirty we were and because we didn’t want her to put things away where we couldn’t find them again.

I understand that women commonly do this.  By the time you’ve cleaned for the house cleaner, you might as well have just finished cleaning it yourself and saved yourself some money. And in a pinch, I am not ashamed to admit, I have been known to fake out my family by emptying the trash, spritzing lemon-scented Pledge in the air, and swishing the toilets and sinks with Clorox bleach to make everything smell sanitized, which it was, when you think about it.  You thought that was just a joke, didn’t you?  Ha-ha!  There are actually crazed women like moi who consider it a legitimate cleaning technique.

Think about it.  There isn’t much that survives an onslaught of chlorine bleach into the dirtiest recesses of your home, such as the toilet, the shower, and the garbage disposal.  Who needs multiple cleaning products when Clorox gets the germs and Windex gets the grease?  Caveat:  Do NOT use them together.  That would take care of things in a way you probably don’t intend unless you don’t want to clean again for eternity.  Can you spell l-e-t-h-a-l?

DATE UPDATE:  Match sent me an email saying that January 4 is their busiest day of the year for people searching for “that special someone” or “your last love” or whatever cliché their marketing team concocted.

Who did they send me?  I got three scammers and three real possibilities, including an attractive, divorced, medical professional in DC who was looking for an “intelligent and witty” woman aged 54-66 “who understands that monogamy is not a type of wood.”  He mentioned that he is exploring his Italian heritage.  Don’t you think that he and I are a match made in heaven?  I understand medicine. I used to live in the DC area.  I’m 62.  I have an Italian heritage.  I wrote to him about our mutual interests and signed it “Suzanne, who understood monogamy for four decades.”  I thought that sounded both intelligent AND witty.

I guess he didn’t think so, because he didn’t respond.  Two other men emailed me, a 62-year old divorced “professional engineer” with a master’s degree who lives in the next county north and had a boyish grin and shaggy gray hair and was looking for a…wait for it…”intelligent and witty” woman.  He complimented me on the “nice pic [sic] of you and cute dog.”  (The BFF is a guy magnet.)

The other, who also lives near DC and has never been married (but has children!), was looking for a variation, a “unique and intelligent, witty woman”, and wrote, “Like your profile and photos.  Happy New Year.”  My profile at that time said, “Lousy housekeeper (sorry)…looking for a man who doesn’t want a Stepford Wife,” because I believe in truth in advertising, unlike most of the people on Match.  I wrote to both men, and neither responded.   I changed the profile.  “I am the real deal (otherwise I would have lowered my age, raised my height, and faked my photos).”

On New Year’s Day, a whopping 10 men expressed their admiration, either through the dreaded winks or by “favoriting” me.  Unfortunately, they represented the states of Connecticut, New York, South Carolina, Illinois, Oklahoma, Texas, California, and New Jersey, which made a particularly strong showing with multiple unsuitable entrants.

On Sunday, still glowing from the wins by the Spartans and the Ravens (I just had to throw that in), I received a “favorite” from an incredibly attractive widower, aged 64, who lives in one of the most affluent DC suburbs.  His profile mirrored mine!  He was looking for an “intelligent and witty”  woman 58-65!  He was online at that very moment!  And I was his favorite!  I clicked to “Favorite” him…and he disappeared.  Like Cinderella’s coach at midnight, gone.  The message popped up:  “Profile no longer available.  Perhaps you would like one of these…”  Really?  In 30 seconds?  Sounds like someone at match is manipulating profiles and photos.

I changed the profile again, because I read that you get moved to the top of the matrix if you make a significant photo or information change.  Today I sound like a Stepford Wife, not so witty, not so intelligent, definitely not unique.  (“I love football and would love to cheer for your team.”)  Although I kept “Caution:  English major.”

I’ve had 64 views in 48 hours (surely due to the BFF), and two more scammers with the usual scammer spiel.  Today, I got this from someone who appears to be a native speaker of English from the information he lists, but I’ve never heard a sane man of any nationality talk like this:

Would you date this man?

Another typical scammer.  Would you date this man?

 

“Can we begin together?

Hello Beautiful Smiles,
Good afternoon and how are you doing?? I hope your day is going well?
I would like us to talk more so we can get to know each other more better. We can begin a conversation and see where it leads, Life is too short and we all want to spend it with the special one,
So let’s give this a chance and see what happens. Here is my cell : 555-555-5555
Hope to hear from you soon,”

To me, the “special one” is Jesus.  That’s my answer.

I think I take Beautiful Smiles to convent they not let me have own wine and probably make me clean room and no take cute dog.  She like dirty house.  So, who I complain?? Life is (mostly).  Soli Deo Gloria!


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Take a hike, 2014!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

It’s 9 o’clock on New Year’s Eve, and my family just left after enjoying a dinner of sirloin strip roast, scalloped potatoes, and triple sec carrots. The Daughter is headed for the nightmare known as New Year’s Eve at Baltimore’s Inner Harbor — she’s young.  She needs to find out for herself that everything is overpriced and overhyped on December 31.  At least, she has a designated driver.

The forced joie de vivre was never my “thing.”  The first year of our marriage, in 1972, we went to a showing of the original “Poseidon Adventure” with the late, great Shelley Winters doing the breaststroke in the waterlogged belly of an overturned cruise ship.  At least, that’s how I remember it.  My mind’s eye sees a lot of soggy chiffon billowing around her thighs, but the Champagne could be playing tricks again.  Nope.  I googled it.  There she is, looking brave in seaweed green chiffon.

After the movie, we went to the restaurant from which Jimmy Hoffa would disappear two years later.  I remember poor table service, mediocre food, lousy “champagne” and a conga line that snaked through the kitchen.  It didn’t even occur to any of us that we needed a designated driver.

You do a lot of stupid stuff when you’re 20.  Maybe that’s why I read every line of the Riot Act to My Daughter the critical care nurse before she headed out my door tonight, after she went on and on about how much fun she and her girlfriend the shock-trauma nurse were going to have and how much they were going to party.  (Oh, yes, it struck me, too, that, of all people, these two professional health care providers would be more cautious.)

“Oh, Mom,” she sighed.  “I don’t really walk the walk that I talk.”

“Just text me when you get back to your apartment.”

“At 3 am?”

“I really don’t care what time it is.”

“Are you going to be awake?”

“Of course, I’m going to be awake.  You’re going to be in the middle of that nightmare with God-only-knows what kind of lunacy.  How am I gonna sleep?”

“Ok.  I love you, Mom.”

So, here I sit with my BFF and the remnants of a very fine bottle of Nicolas Feuillatte rosé Champagne.   My BFF celebrated earlier by rolling in something quite dead and has been banished to the other side of the living room.  She’ll be happily unconscious until 10 when she’ll demand that we go to bed like we do every night.

I haven’t made it to midnight on New Year’s Eve in 20 years.  I’d rather be fast asleep in my snug king-sized bed when the neighbors start shooting off fireworks and automatic weapons.  Ha! I’m worried about lunacy 20 miles away in Bawlmer, hon?  We’ve got our own craziness out here in the gentrified sticks.

Just got a text from The Daughter.  The fancy, schmancy and quite expensive watering hole didn’t have any ginger ale.  Not what I wanted to hear, sweet child of mine.  Yikes!  I already hear gunfire nearby.  Oh, yeah.  I’ll be awake at 3 am.

Take a hike, 2014!  Join your crappy friends 2011, 2012, and 2013 in Hades.  Bring it on, 2015!  Happy New Year!


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Christmas Past

My First Christmas

My First Christmas

My Mother and I were sitting around looking at old photos, which is always a source of amusement, wistfulness, and horror, simultaneously.  I have pulled out the Christmas ones that have held up the best to share with you, since I sincerely believe that the best humor is self-deprecating, and these all tell a whole lot about who I am today.  I hope that they (and that cup of “Christmas Cheer” that you’re enjoying) bring your own fond memories of Christmas past to this Christmas present.

My Mother says that my dad always carried this dog-eared photo of my first Christmas in his wallet, even after I was married and gone.  I remember nothing about it, except that I still have the Teddy bear stored away.    Check out those metal icicles on the tree behind me.  Every year, My Mother personally hung each one, strand by strand, because she didn’t trust anyone else to hang them properly.  I must admit, I’ve never seen anything come as close to the dazzling effect that she created.

My First Visit with Santa

My First Visit with Santa

Several things come to mind when I think of my first visit to Santa.  First, this was taken at the flagship store of the  J.L. Hudson Co., in downtown Detroit, the only place that had the Real Santa waiting to listen to your wish list — well, I think there may have been about 10 of them, carefully hidden throughout an elaborate display of animated dolls, toys, and figures.  Second, it is apparent from the intense look that I am giving Santa that I learned at an early age to control stage-fright.  Third, I see that the jowls I had in 1953 have made a return appearance 61 years later.

Christmas Carols

Christmas Carols

As we looked at the photos, My Mother remarked, ruefully, “Homemade dresses.  You girls always had to wear homemade dresses.”  I reassured her that I thought it was pretty awesome that I had a new outfit for every major occasion and holiday, AND I designed it.  Nothing shameful about these pretty red cotton velveteen outfits from Christmas 1961, and, yes, My Mother sewed all those rows of lace onto the blouses.  That’s what the mothers that I knew used to do, and I am ever so grateful that she taught me to sew, too.

Christmas Snark

Christmas Snark

Now, we move into the snarky teenaged years.  This is probably 1965.   50 years later, I am still appalled that my naturally brunette hair is not flipping crisply on the ends like Marlo Thomas’, but that’s a subject for another blog (“How I survived an Adolescence in the 1960s of Really Bad, No Good Curly Hair”).

On to college, in my trendy midi skirt from Christmas 1970.  You will note that the icicles continue to hang perfectly from our tree, although, as I recall, they had become plastic, which My Mother grumbled about for two weeks, trying to keep the static electricity they generated from clumping them together.  I, on the other hand, note that, just as the jowls from my childhood have returned, my recent surgery has restored some other body parts to their former glory.   wink, winkimage

It seems that there are no Christmas photos of me post-marriage in 1972.  Actually, I found one from 1984 that’s too dark and mostly out-of-focus that you would find hilarious.  I am glamorous in a Joan Collins-style bouffant coif, pink angora sweater with HUGE shoulder pads, ivory wool slacks, and ivory suede boots.  It’s such a shame that I can’t reproduce it for your entertainment.  Paint this picture in your mind’s eye and run with it:  “Dallas” meets “Dynasty” at a party hosted by Dolly Parton.  If you graduated from high school anytime before 1990, you’ll get it, and I’m gonna guess you have a similar photo lurking in a shoe box in the back of your closet, too.

imageFinally, here’s the most recent photo of me taken at Christmas, and it is easily my favorite.  Trying to recreate the Christmas memories of our youth, when everything was bigger, shinier, and more fun, the Veterinarian and I visited NYC at the holidays almost every year.  We gazed at the glittering displays in the department store windows, ate roasted chestnuts on the street corner, and skated at Rockefeller Center.  Here we are in front of its famous tree in a photo taken by The Daughter.   Do you recognize me now with the blonde hair?

Yes, Scrooge, Christmas present is very much like Christmas past.  May your days be merry and bright!

My Sister and I

My Sister and I 1957

 


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Dazed and Confused, What Else is New?

It’s been a busy time in my world, some satisfying, some funny, all frustrating.  So, here goes…

Happy 87th Birthday to my mom — a week late.  Thinking myself to be organized, I bought her a birthday present in

The night before my wedding, she told me I didn't have to go through with it, if I didn't want to.

1972 – The night before my wedding, she told me I didn’t have to go through with it, if I didn’t want to.

August, sat it on a chair in my bedroom, and am fairly certain that it was still sitting there two weeks ago.  I checked the size of the box the week before the Big Day and bought wrapping paper for it.  The day of her birthday, it had vanished.  I mean, vanished, as in not to be seen anywhere in my house.  I checked every square inch of my bedroom, including under the bed, under the chair, and in my closet.  Nope.  Nada.  No gift.  Not in the guest bedroom, my daughter’s old room, the living room, dining room, garage, attic, or sunroom.  In desperation, I had to stop at Rite Aid and buy a lame Panera gift card to give her from my BFF Fiona.  Is that not embarrassing?

I had the wrapping paper, tissue, ribbon, box, and card ready to go with nothing to give the sainted woman from whom I get my middle name, curly hair, and lack of stature; my sarcasm, temper, frankness, and stubbornness; my hypertension and high cholesterol; my sewing and typing prowess; my love of reading, old movies, fashion, and history; my fear of heights and being hurt (physically and emotionally); my righteous indignation and survival instincts, not to mention my quest for perfection.

Still the best mom

Lucky me!  Good genes!

Of course, what would be perfect enough for the only person who is always behind me, even when she thinks I’m wrong?  Who made me clothes and costumes, convinced my dad that a liberal arts degree was acceptable, sheet-rocked a veterinary clinic, helped me hang wallpaper, loved my husband and adopted daughter, my dogs and cats, and let me move away to Maryland without complaining?

Well, there’s always Christmas.  I love you, Mom!

This happened the very same day that I had my last post-op visit with the plastic surgeon, and, no, I wasn’t as prepared as I hoped I would be.  Yes, I hit my weight goal, the day before my visit (thank you very much) and decided that I needed to lose another five pounds so I’d have a “cushion”.  You know, with the holidays coming up and all that rich, festive food.  I’d rather have a cushion of pounds that I could maybe, possibly gain without notice, than that big cushion of fat below my navel.

Anyway, during the exam, I had my last prodding.  “Yes, sir, I have feeling there and there.”  I thought he unnecessarily kept referring to the “rigid necrotic fat” in my right breast and said that I should call him if I ever decided that I couldn’t live with it.  What?  It’s not painful or even visible beneath my clothes. Did you see the black banded dress that Miley Cyrus wore to the amFAR fundraiser this week?  Well, I couldn’t wear that with my new breasts, but, if the sequins were properly placed, I could probably wear the gown that Rihanna had on.  (Google them for your laugh of the week.)  Tom Ford of Gucci, give me a call.

I told the doctor that no one would see it but me, and he said, “Well, you might change your mind.” He’s so inscrutable that I’m not sure what he thought I was going to change my mind about.  Letting someone see it?  Touch it?  Well, my match.com experience continues to be dismal, so that isn’t likely, if you know what I mean.

After the exam, it was time for the dreaded “after” photographs.  And even with as much entertainment as I have given hundreds of people with my experience of the “before” photographs, I still came close to tears.  Don’t get me wrong.  The doctor is a very kind and gentle man.  There’s a nurse there, holding up a blue backdrop, and my abs are looking pretty decent for a woman my age, but there’s just something about standing upright, naked, and having photos taken.  I stared at the ceiling, turned a quarter to the left, full left, a quarter to the right, and then full right, smack into my reflection in a mirror!

“OH, DEAR GOD!!!!” I shrieked.  Really and truly and most hideously, I shrieked at the unexpected sight of little pale me, naked except for a pair of black tights. The doctor and nurse laughed.  I don’t know if they laughed because it’s their little joke to stand a naked senior citizen under fluorescent lighting in front of a mirror, or if it’s because the joke was finally on me.

“Oh, Suzanne, you’re always so funny!” the receptionist once told me.

Oh the humanity—er—I mean, the humiliation.  Not only had I seen the gruesome situation in my mind’s eye, but there it was in front of me, like a grotesque Picasso painting of one of his naked ex-wives.

“Really,” I mumbled, completely defeated.  “I’ve spent the last six months preparing for this moment, losing 15 pounds, flattening my abs, and this is just awful.”  They continued to laugh.  I hope they were thinking, “Isn’t she charming?” and not “Silly old lady!  What did she think she looked like?”  Looking at the pale wrinkles and folds from my forehead to my waist, I understood why the doctor wanted me to call him if I “need anything.”  Silly man!  Only a magician could save my dignity now!  Of course, I’m not really happy with my neck…

If I could only do something about my neck...

The Daughter says I look too masculine in this photo.

This all gives new meaning to my continuing misery with match.com.  It’s the same old-same old.  The interesting men who are my age don’t want a woman my age.  The rest look like Santa Claus or worse.  Unfortunately, I don’t think any of them has a present in his pack exciting enough to induce me to sit on his lap.  [Sudden thought:  Maybe my profile should say that I’m the woman you want sitting at your death bed praying like mad for you and making you laugh.  Naw.  Probably not.]

Last week, as I was forced to go through my “Daily Matches”, clicking the green check for “Interested” or the orange x for “Not interested”, I started to feel sorry for them.  I reminded myself that they, too, have the same angst about the process that I have.  Looks aren’t everything, you know.  So, I carefully read each of the 11 profiles and decided to click on one man who “caught my eye”, as they say in the online dating game.  He had a tremendous smile and twinkle in his eye (ok, ok, it could have been pixilated by my poor internet connection).  His profile was downright funny and, the real clincher, it was beyond LITERATE!  True to form, he (my age) didn’t want a woman my age or height but claimed to be looking for an intelligent, funny, beautiful woman.

“Well, hey!”  I thought to myself, “three out of five is a pretty close match.  We all need to be realistic about this, buddy” and clicked “Interested”.

Imagine my surprise the next morning to find an email from him!  He gave me a story about how he was so sorry that he was already dating someone else because I was just what he was looking for and that I should hang in there, blah, blah, blah.  Why did he even write me?  Makes no sense.  I responded, thanking him for his kind remarks but telling him that I was done with the whole degrading, demoralizing process because I can’t be taller, younger, or any more fabulous than I already am.  I also referred him to this blog for my real feelings (see “Righteous Indignation” above, sometimes a bad move).  And he replied AGAIN, with the same drivel about “hanging in there” because I was so “fabulous.”  WTH?  What have I ever done to you?  Whine, whine, whine.

Yesterday, 10 days later, his profile popped up on a generic list of men who were online and ready to chat.  Really?  What happened to that woman you were dating last week?  I hope you do read this.  I thought you had possibilities. If you’re reading this, you should know that I was thinking Daniel Craig, not Sean Connery.

Finally, this week, I received an unsolicited email from an attractive older man (I would have said “gentleman” but read on).  He liked my witty, literate profile and commented kindly on my looks (which no one has done yet and is considered an online dating etiquette “no-no”).  Being a sucker for compliments, I went to his profile, reminded myself to be generous and open-minded, found his favorite hobby, and commented on it.  It was something that I find thrilling and that not a lot of people have done (but I have, twice).  He responded within 24 hours and asked me to do it with him (no, it’s not illegal or immoral, and I’m not going to say what it is because maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong about him, although I don’t think so, but I’d really like to be delightfully surprised, and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize anything).  I replied that his offer was “irresistible” and told him a tiny bit more about myself and how I came to be familiar with his hobby.  I also gave him the few days that I was unavailable and waited to hear from him.

I waited 24 hours.  And another 24 hours.  And I’m still waiting.  I think it’s kind of odd that a man would ask a woman out, that she would accept, and that then he wouldn’t follow up.  Maybe he compared notes with the other men on match.com and found out about my blog.  (Damn you, Righteous Indignation!)

On a satisfying note, I completed a state grant that I was writing for the Deer Creek Chorale, with whom I sing.  The writing part is enjoyable.  I love bragging about our wonderful artistic staff, dedicated board of directors, and the tireless and talented singers with whom I perform.  I hope the grantors appreciate what we do for the arts in our underserved community, because we are stellar! For an English major, that’s a no-brainer.  Sadly, it also involves a whole lot of freaking data (like 19 pages of it), which means numbers, numbers, numbers.  Writing this grant is about 20 hours of work (including interim and final reports), hoping to get at least $1,000 and, at most, $2,500.  Last year was our first attempt at a grant from the state, and we were awarded $1,500.  So, who am I to complain?  Life is good, mostly.  Soli Deo Gloria!


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How I learned to love my hips

The White Dress

The White Dress

Rejoice with me! I just dodged a bullet. Spanx has debuted a line of $148 “slimming” jeans that don’t come in petites! Woohoo! I don’t feel compelled to try them, and it’s not the excessive length or outrageous price that repels me. There are no jeans at any price that will turn me into a supermodel.

In my lifetime, I suspect that I have spent close to a gazillion dollars trying to convince the general public that I have the body of Twiggy (actually, I wanted to be Jean Shrimpton—google them, if you’re young).

I am no stranger to foundation undergarments and have great appreciation for what they can do and for what I am willing to tolerate under special circumstances, however, most of them have lived up to neither their hype and price tag nor to my unrealistic expectations. I have owned my share of panty girdles (with garters, no less, that’s how old I am), control-top panty hose, body shapers and slimmers, “Miracle” bathing suits (which are a miracle to get into and out of), Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, and, yes, Spanx.

And don’t get me started on bras. Once I catapulted beyond the training bra stage (once they got started, they really got going), I tried lightly padded, underwire, demi, plunging, convertible (into halter- and crisscross styles), strapless, sports, minimizer, T-shirt minimizer (an oxymoron—the padding negates the minimizing effect), and even some items made out of silicone that I do not wish to discuss at this time. I am astounded to recall that a costume designer for a play in which I appeared 15 years ago, convinced me to buy a Wonderbra, all the rage at the time.

“Oh, Suzanne,” he said, “You’re the only actress I know who wears the right foundation undergarments. And look at this fabulous vintage dress I have for you.” It was a spectacular red dress with a low, square neckline and the original label of a designer in 1950’s Havana, like nothing I would ever wear in real life.

“Oh, come on,” I protested. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ll wear a real bra instead of a minimizer. You don’t think there’s enough of me already?” Still, it was the perfect look for my cartoonish character, the fiery, jealous wife of a renowned Italian tenor, so I grudgingly relented. Thanks to that Wonderbra and a sashay in my hips that I discovered, I got a laugh every night just by walking onstage.

Apparently, there’s a family of women in southern California who aren’t bothered in the least by the size of their hips. Someone even gave them a television show where they get paid to sashay their curves all over the world, proving that women of all sizes are beautiful. One of the younger sisters is tall and super-skinny in the way that only young women can be, and one of her elders is, well, bigger than life. Or maybe it’s just the 10 pounds of  hype that the camera adds.

I marvel every morning watching our local female meteorologists, well-educated women, stuffed into tight dresses with a serious collection of unintended rolls and lumps which no amount of exercise, dieting, or spandex can prevent. The bald, paunchy weathermen don’t wear Neoprene wet suits to inflate the latest impending storm, so why do they? The American Meteorological Society should include on-camera guidelines in their 100-question, closed-book certifying exam for broadcast meteorologists. This is probably why you don’t see older women journalists on television. Who can wear this stuff?

The Daughter can. And did, recently. She made the mistake of posting a selfie on Facebook, out on the town with her girlfriends in a new, tight-fitting white dress, much like those worn by those California sisters. She works out and isn’t a supermodel by any stretch of the imagination, but she looked fit. I had to blow-up the photo to inspect it for panty lines. I found no rolls or lumps, no lines, nothing, which confused me. Should I be happy that she wasn’t revealing too much, or concerned that she was “going commando”?

It’s probably too late to improve my parenting skills. The next time we talked on the phone, I had to ask about it.

“Was that a new dress you had on Saturday night?” I stupidly asked.

“Yes,” she cautiously replied.

“It fit rather snuggly.” Subtext: Your dress was too freaking tight!

“Yes, Mom, but my girlfriends helped me buy it and said it looked great, and a girl that I don’t even know came up to me and said she loved it. The back is really pretty, lace and scooped out. I’ll text you a photo.”

“Well, that’s nice.” Scooped out back?!

“But I had to wear Spanx under it, which is really annoying.”

Rejoice with me again! She is my daughter! I have raised another generation who knows the importance of foundation undergarments, another reason to sleep soundly. She does want you to know that we aren’t knocking Spanx, which are a vast improvement over girdles of yesteryear, but I’m sometimes actually upset to have them stifle a good meal in my favorite restaurant or make me sweat in places where I didn’t know sweat was possible.

For those of us who no longer feel compelled to wear form-fitting clothes or tight pants daily, I recommend that you save the Spanx for white pants (no need to share a view of your pretty flowered undies with us, thank you) and just wear a body shaper when you’re going to be photographed in a picture you or those you love eventually may see and/or show to their friends.

Forget the “control-top” jeans that won’t eliminate a muffin-top. Wear a tunic or jacket. Don’t trouble yourself with bathing suits that fit like a vise grip and adhere to your thighs when wet. None of them will make you younger, skinnier, or happier.
If they can get away with it in California (and Miami), so can we. I love you just the way you are. God loves us, hips and all. So, who am I to complain? Life is good (mostly). Soli Deo Gloria!