Angelina Jolie and I have more in common than you might think. We are both Gemini and share the same birth date, June 4. I’m not bragging or anything, but she and I have been incredibly lucky in life. We’re both fabulous actors. We both were married to incredibly handsome and accomplished men and adopted beautiful children from exotic locales. Well, in my case, Denver isn’t that exotic — exciting but not that distant.
Ms. Jolie and I are also missing our uteri. When she wrote in the NY Times about her hysterectomy at the age of 39, I almost wrote to her to say, “Don’t worry. It’s a piece of cake.” I was 24 when I had my hysterectomy, and my life clearly didn’t end. I didn’t shrivel up. I didn’t grow a beard or start singing bass. I didn’t gain 50 pounds. My husband didn’t leave me. In fact, men still hit on me when he wasn’t around, because they just can’t tell. You think no one’s going to hit on the beautiful Angelina Jolie because she’s missing a few body parts?
I’ve been without my uterus for almost 40 years and can’t say that I’ve missed it. So what if I have a little untimely sweating? It’s a small price to pay to stop menstruating, and pregnancy has never looked like a day at the beach to me. When I was a little pudgy around the middle a few years ago, a stranger ask me if I was pregnant. Was I embarrassed? Heck no! I was pretty excited that they thought I was young enough to be pregnant. Woohoo!
Strangers frequently comment on how much The Daughter and I look alike. Coincidentally, we are both short, and the corners of our mouths turn down naturally. Our hair is the same color, thanks to my hairdresser. (I have no idea what color mine really is any more, but I suspect it’s mostly white.) I blame the “Stockholm Syndrome,” where the captive begins to identify with the captor. There’s a lot more to parenting than passing along your DNA. If you’re good at it, you pass along your values and instill your child with courage, perseverance, kindness, and hope, the character stuff that hasn’t yet been isolated on a chromosome.
I’ve had a lot of practice making lemonade out of lemons in my almost-63 years, and I’m always amazed at how a miracle pops up to lift me when things seem especially dark. Why, just last week, it dawned on me that, because I’ve never been pregnant, I don’t have any stretch marks. It made me laugh out loud, it was such an absurd thought. On the other hand, find another 63-year old woman who can say that. Now, I just need to figure out how to work that into my online dating profile.
Happy Birthday, Angelina!
I decided to give the dating site Zoosk a look-see because it claimed to be free. Actually, it’s so confusing that I can’t tell what’s free and what isn’t, because now they tell me there’s stuff I can’t see, people I can’t contact, whatever. Anyway, they have a feature called “Carrousel” where faces flash up, and you’re supposed to click “No” “Maybe” or “Yes”. You get a gold coin for each “Maybe” or “Yes.” I have no idea what the coins are for, and I really don’t care. This isn’t my kind of game. I’m not a gambler, although online dating is a crap-shoot.
I’m shallow. I’m a visual person. I always judge books by their covers, which is probably why I haven’t found a serious date yet. There seems to be something wrong with every photo that I see. Again, I can’t stress enough that the fault lies with me, not with what are probably perfectly ideal men for normal, God-fearing, kind, decent, gracious, loving women. No, I’m persnickety. For instance, I am not attracted to profile photos of a man who
wears a Crocodile Dundee hat,
a cowboy hat,
a cowboy hat with a string tie and leather vest,
or a straw cowboy hat with a picture of a spitting cobra;
a bad toupee or a woman’s wig, even if it’s part of a Halloween costume;
a sombrero, beret, balaclava, or any kind of headscarf, including bandanas;
a captain’s hat, unless he’s in the Navy or Capt. Stubing;
a baseball cap with a suggestive slogan and especially not a backwards cap;
or a “Steelers” cap.
I don’t want to know anyone whose profile name includes the words “Snake bit” or “Luv,” “Hung,” “Kiss,” “Baby,” “4 U,” “Skin,” “Brst” (regardless of your choice of vowels), or “Steeler.”
I always skip photos of men whose eyes are closed, have partially hidden faces, look dazed and confused or Tased or are frowning;
or out of focus;
who are missing all or most of their front teeth (please, no hate mail);
who wear more jewelry than I do and/or forget to remove their wedding bands (I told you I was persnickety);
who are covered in sweat or standing in a cemetery or using fingers to “shoot” at the camera (yep, I’ve seen ’em all).
I am wary of men whose style-icon is Donald Trump;
who look like they still follow the Dead, with locks longer than mine and carrying AARP cards;
who were stuck all winter in Donner Pass without a razor.
Men, don’t choose photos if your cellphone is visible as you take your selfie;
your computer monitor is reflected in your glasses so your eyes look like they’re glowing;
you’re being hugged/kissed by a woman who clearly isn’t your mother (especially on the mouth—ew!);
your photo shows five men, and you’re……..which?
your photo is date-stamped 2005;
your photo is an actual photo of Jack Lord from the original “Hawaii Five-0” (true);
you have photo-shopped stars and/or hearts on it;
you appear to be choking your dog/cat while restraining it;
you are up to your elbow in the mouth of a catfish;
your motorcycle is bigger than you are;
your car is the most prominent feature in your photo;
your dress shirt is unbuttoned to your belt buckle, exposing things that are best hidden until we know each other better—if ever;
you’re wearing a sleeveless sweatshirt, tank top, or wife beater, even if you have guns of steel.
And, for the love of all that is good and holy, NO SHIRTLESS PHOTOS!!!!
Especially if you’re on a beach in swim trunks with a Crocodile Dundee hat and a Duck Dynasty beard, because nobody, but NOBODY wants to see that. (Having seen that, I may never be the same again.)
I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks. It writes itself, so who am I to complain? Life is good (mostly). Soli Deo Gloria!